Coming to

We came.

We came to.

We came to believe.

In the rooms, this succinctly describes the first three steps. Sometime during the day yesterday, I came to—with regard to Web-boy. Lemme ‘splain…

Since our phone call 10 days ago when Web-boy told me, “I’m making some changes in my life that I wanna tell you about,” I’ve been in a tizzy. Over dinner last Thursday, that ratcheted up to full-blown panic. I’ve lost him!

After almost five years of recovery, the DQ is never very far away.

When I came to, I realized that the first three of my wishes had been granted.

No matter what, I’d asked The Universe, I want to learn how to be a better person in a relationship, even if that knowledge comes with the price of not being able to implement that until my next relationship.

They say the second part of one’s recovery doesn’t begin until one starts building healthy relationships. Faults I thought I’d dealt with, and others I’d no knowledge of, are rising to my consciousness.

There are big ones, like codependency issues where the other person becomes the center of my world to the exclusion of all others, including myself. And there are little ones where my self-absorbtion rises to the top. It’s hard to say you have an online journal and not be at least a teensy bit self-absorbed.

I’m noticing that IRL lately. In two conversations in the past two days, I’ve not shown the same interest in others as they have with me.

On the phone Monday, Web-boy said, “I wanted to tell you I had a great time Saturday night.” I skipped even the simplest, “Me too.” Same thing happened yesterday when I ran into Vince at the bank. “How’s your family?” he asked. I told him. Never asked, “How’s yours?” Just prattled on about myself.

Awareness of the problem is necessary before corrective measures can be taken. I’m gaining some awareness.

Second, I said I’d settle for friendship. I still feel that way, and that too has been granted. Friendship is a two-way street. I want to be with the friend, and the friend wants to be with me. I never attached that significance to the times recently when Web-boy’s asked me to join him.

I think we were still waiting for our meals last Thursday when he asked if I wanted to go with him to the ADDults meeting tonight. Later, he asked if he could pick me up for the Saturday meeting. Not “Are you going?” but “Can I pick you up?”

No doubt it’s the self-absorbtion that kept me from seeing those questions for what they are rather than simply opportunities for me.

Third, I’d asked for time. It’s not just Web-boy who needs to go slow here. I need it too. She’s such a mess! I got time—almost three months of it recently. I was panic-stricken when I thought time had been taken away from me (note the “me” again) and reduced to only three weeks.

Wrongo bonzo. I signed a lease renewal in February. I’m here until at least the end of March next year. That doesn’t reduce time. It’s been increased.

Meanwhile, he intends to keep visiting Rochester, and at his new place, he leaves the car at home and walks to the LIRR station to commute to the city. It’s easy enough for me to take Amtrak to Penn Station, cross the station, go down a flight of stairs, take the LIRR to Hicksville and walk to his place. In fact, it’s probably harder to get from here to the Amtrak station in Rochester.

See Bruce? No need to panic. Everything you’ve asked for has been granted. Be grateful for what you have.

I am. Believe me on this.

That does not mean that I hope things stop at friendship, even on a deeper level. No, there’s friends-with-privledges, boyfriends and even marriage in my hopes and dreams. Each one is not without its own hurdles even if we’re both in agreement on destination and timing.

What keeps rearing its ugly head is our age difference. Twelve years seems like very little to me now. But projecting ahead (a terrible thing to do, but I can’t yet seem to stop it), well, it doesn’t go very far or get very pretty for me given I already have nearly 35 years of smoking under my belt. And the damage done by all my other addictions. Oh, and let’s not forget the heart trouble, arthritis, Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s that runs in the family.

All of which are good reasons to A) stop smoking and B) live for today.

So I think I’ll step outside for a smoke and get back to matters I have to do today.

And stop being so fucking self-absorbed.

2 Responses to “Coming to”

  1. Von Says:

    I really wish I could come over so we could talk about you. 🙂

  2. brucew Says:

    I called. T-boy answered. I guess you’re out or otherwise indisposed. Call me.