Just tired of it all is all…
Funny how when I want to cry it just won’t come.
Anyway, after a nice, long, nearly comatose sleep last night, I feel better.
I feel a bit foolish for seeming ungrateful to have found a friend in CBC. All whining about it not progressing beyond that aside, I am grateful.
Willie’s advice, or commentary I guess, went along the lines of, “I don’t know why you’re so surprised by all of this. You seem to collect the most interesting people in your life. Every one of them brings new depth to the person you are.
“You can’t know until afterwards what The Universe is preparing you for, but with all these interesting people you’re collecting, it must be wonderful.”
At least now I have a working title for my book. The People Collector, look for it in bookstores in a few years’ time.
Interesting things are already starting to come out of this. I have a sponsee who had some big issues last week. In talking it over, we shared notes from the week. “You win,” he said. “You had a worse week than I, and you didn’t drink or drug.”
“It’s all because I didn’t go into any bad neighborhoods alone [reference to the alcoholic mind in the Name change entry] and I worked my program for all it’s worth.
“Yeah, at one point, Thursday night, I was sitting on the couch staring at the coffee table and lamenting the fact that I couldn’t just have a few good blasts from the stem to at least feel better for a while. But that passed. I ate a pizza (not “some pizza”, “a pizza”) and went to bed.”
Then, in an intersting twist he said, “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to recuse you as my sponsor and have an affair with you.”
“Well,” I replied. “You know what they say about rebound relationships. They never last.”
“I guess. And I’d lose you as a sponsor.”
“Yup.”
“And as a good friend,” he added.
At which point I sighed. I’m tired of being just a good friend. I mean, that’s all good, don’t get me wrong, but I want to be a good boyfriend, and have someone who can be a good boyfriend to me.
It’s that latter part, I realize now, that made CBC the wrong choice for me. Some are sicker than others, and she has a whole bunch of junk to work out. The desire to slice off her salami and bolt on boobs is minor in comparison to others. Although it is a bit more permanent. (And frankly, I don’t think it’ll resolve a single other issue.)
In any event, the lesson here is that I have to be a little less self-absorbed—think less about what I bring to a relationship, what I want and what attracts me, and think more about what the other person brings to the relationship, what they want and what attracts them to me.
I think. I won’t know for sure until later.
Meanwhile, I have another interesting person for the collection.
