Taking advice
Writing all that out yesterday got it off my chest enough that I could begin to think a little more clearly.
I first thought of some advice I gave to sponsee earlier in the week. He’s got this obsession over a guy who, even he agrees, he should be running away from screaming. I told him that working the first three steps over it might be a way to start dealing with it.
- I am powerless over over my feelings for Web-boy, powerless over the decisions he’s making for his life, and (since it’s getting in the way of things like work and sleep) my life has become unmanageable.
- I can’t figure this shit out, therefore, only a power greater than myself can restore me to (some semblance of) sanity.
- So I have to turn my will and my life over to the care of that power greater than myself and trust that whatever happens, it will turn out all right in the end.
Basically, this is what Von suggested too in her comment other day.
I’ve gone about as far with my present sponsor as I can. My needs have changed. I’ve been thinking about who to ask to be my next sponsor. One of the regular Saturday gang is a strong candidate.
At the meeting on Saturday she said something to the effect of, “In a relationship when I get all wound up in trying to stage-manage things, I’ve learned to stop and do something really radical. I ask the other person what they want.”
What a concept!
I just got off the phone after doing just that. He told me how much he enjoyed the meeting, the gang and us the other night. We made plans for the monthly ADDults meeting on Wednesday, made small talk about packing, moving and shit. Then I popped the question.
“Remember what J***** said the other night about when you don’t know what to do in a relationship you should ask the other person?”
“Yeah.”
“Well I’m at that point right now, and you’re the other person.”
A tentative, “Okay…”
“See, I don’t make friends easily. Not many people really interest me. Acquiaintences are not problem, but friends don’t come easily to me.
“When we first met I thought, He’s someone I can really relate to, who I can understand and who seems to understand me. And we share so many interests and other oddball weird stuff, that it just felt natural to build beyond just another AA acquaintence, ya know?”
Still a little tentatively he replied, “Yeah, right, right.”
“It was important to me to do things the right way. I got the impression you were real careful with letting people in and that you have a greater need than most for space and time.
“That fits real well with what the program says about giving people time to find and figure out their new selves—especially in the first year of recovery. It’s something that worked really well for me, and I didn’t want to fuck up the opportunity for you. So I went with ‘Slow growth is good growth’ and haven’t pressed the matter with you.
“On the other hand, right now with you moving back to Long Island and all, I feel a little time pressure to figure out, should I be preparing myself to let go, or preparing myself for a long-distance friendship? I can’t answer that by myself.”
“Maybe we can talk about this after the meeting on Wednesday,” he suggested.
“Oh shit, yeah. I wasn’t looking for an answer right now. I should have said that first. Wednesday’s cool. Anytime before you leave is cool. I just wanted to tell you where I’m at and share what some of my needs are right now. Depending on your feelings, I have to either insulate myself or open myself up. I just don’t want to plan for one thing only to have another happen.”
“No, I hear ya,” he said. “I’ve been thinking about the same things too. I’d like to continue our friendship.”
“Oh thank God. No—I mean and thank you. You don’t know how happy that makes me feel. But you’re right, we’d better save the rest of this for Wednesday after the meeting.”
“Yeah. Call me Wednesday afternoon.”
“I will.”
