Backstory
I’ve had this entry saved as a draft for some time now. I’ve forgotten where I was going with it at the time, so I’ll just post it as it’s been sitting here.
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I suppose I should fill in some of the backstory here regarding The good fight entry.
I never felt quite so good in my life as I did in April and May. No black depths, slept well and regularly at night, I could focus and work, and things really started coming together. I felt like I could really begin a new life. I went off food stamps, I could pay my bills, had some extra spending money and even put some aside for grown-up things like self-employment taxes.
I never fully recovered from the blackness in June after completing a project. Considering I was on anti-depressants and deeply depressed, my doc and I decided they weren’t working. I discontinued them.
July wasn’t that bad. I liked not having some of the side-effects and in time my mood lifted. I solicited some work from two clients, did it and billed it. There was no blackness afterwards.
August I usually have a rough time with the ADD for some reason. I’d had a followup appointment with the doc and had also had an appointment with a new psychologist.
I’d given it a lot of thought came up with a hypothisis we all agreed was worth trying. In April and May I had never slept so well in my life. I had found a dosage and formulation of melatonin that seemed to do the trick. That ran out in early June. Unfortunately, the store where I’d bought it changed to a different line and this melatonin was a different formulation.
Perhaps it was coincidental, but it seemed like for all these years we’d been treating depression as primary to the sleep issues on the theory that sleep would fall into place when the depression was settled.
I suggested that maybe it was the other way ‘round. That the sleep difficulties were causing the depression. The anti-depressants didn’t seem to do anything for either condition but addressing the sleep issues as primary seemed to also relieve the depression.
With everyone on board I stumbled upon a different brand, the the same formulation of melatonin that I’d taken in April and May. I bought six month’s supply. The experiment went well enough to continue.
Except that the ADD remained completely out of control. Fine, it was still August and sometimes the trouble lasts into early September.
Now I only ever really complain about the ADD when it completely prevents me from working. I am distressed that ever since I quit cocaine, I’ve had difficulty writing. As long as it hasn’t gotten in the way of income, I’ve just mourned the loss and dealt with it.
In September, with my anxiety level rapidly rising because of the inability to work and a good chunk of revenue that had gone over 60 days, a second hypothisis entered my head. What if the anxiety/ADD link is also backwards. What if the attention diffuculty was not caused by anxiety, but that my anxiety was caused by the ADD?
There’s a split on this. The psychologiest thinks that may be possible, the doc resolutely refused to prescribe for the ADD. The excuse being the same one I’ve heard for ten years, “The best drugs are the stimulants, which are habit-forming, easily abused, controlled substances and you’re an addict. No meds for you.”
When was it, the end of September, the beginning of October? Either way, I begged and pleaded with the doc for something. I showed him my four-year coin. I read to him from the AA Big Book. I explained that desperation was also not a good place to put an addict.
That’s when I got the prescription for Strattera. I think I related here how it seemed to help, but the side-effects were unbearable and in the end, all I could focus on was them.
