Paradox
The good feelings expressed in Sunday’s posting have failed to derail my usual post-project depression.
Perhaps it’s because it’s been a while since a project and I’m out of practice, or perhaps it’s because overall I’m feeling better and thus am more sensitive to the effects, or maybe my memory just wipes out the really bad bits so I can’t recall how badly I’ve felt before, but this particular one seems much worse than others.
Perhaps it’s disappointment because I planned for this one. I tried several things to divert it, starting with how I managed the project itself.
One theory is that I’m too intense, too consumed when working. So when the harness is cast off, I feel directionless—without purpose. Another is that I just plain wear myself out, that I go beyond my abilities of rejuvenation, drawing deeply on reserves that are not replenished so easily.
To counter those, this time I quoted gobs more time than I felt I needed to do the job, then portioned that time out over a month, keeping time for me, time for rest, time for recreation and time for other client matters available on a daily basis.
Balance. I was happy that I was at least within shouting distance of it.
I was doing quite well with it until I found I’d misinterpreted the due date, then had to wrap up a week’s worth of work in three days. Two 16 hour days and a 20 hour one shot that completely to hell.
I planned rest time to recover after the project. That too has been shot to hell by the demands of other clients. Of the past four days, three of them have been completely filled with work for existing clients.
I planned rewards along the way and at completion. I bought myself new toys with the deposit. Another UPS to power two of my servers here at home. (Power is miserable in this neighborhood with the existing UPS that powers my main PC kicking in to boost voltage brownouts several times a day.) I bought a new widget. I made the final three purchases on a suite of seven applications for the web server. These last three even benefit me more directly than my clients.
After the end of the project I planned the coming trip to Toronto. Rather than allure, I feel ambivalence towards it.
Hell, I even planned estimated tax payments. I felt good about that (the maturity and professionalism of the act, not the actual loss of funds to the IRS.)
All to no avail.
My sponsor says to look for the source. One thing that does bother me is an old bugbear. My clients are too easily pleased and the work does not meet my own standards.
Sure, the work is good. Very good. But it feels dirivative. I’ve been here before, just applied the same tired old formula to a new project. It was too easy. A cop-out.
Yet, I broke new ground personally. I wrestled with Gallery, I continue to wrestle with miniBB. There’s a certain satisfaction in that. Apparently not quite enough.
Of course, they also represent two of the three places I had to compromise my standards.
Sigh.
I don’t know what to do about about the whole thing—where else to look for causation or relief.
