Self

I find that I have been procrastinating once again; actually resisting the idea of writing about Self-Esteem. It has been running on the edges of my mind for a long time. I have explored different approaches. I have tried to write on how to improve Self-Esteem, or at least how to avoid crashing and trashing your Self-Esteem.

I pondered how to deal with lack of self confidence, and how to achieve a healthy degree of selfishness. I didn't like what I wrote and erased each of them several times. I didn't like them because most of the writing was about suggestions or advice. I have no interest in lecturing anybody about how to build his or her Self-Esteem (I don't want to sound like a patronizing bastard).

However, one constant among all these failed attempts was the word: Self. The word "Self" embodies the core of perceptions and the personification of the individual. So I decided to write about the Self. Writing, you know, about myself, might provide points of commonality with your "Self". So, I decided I should write about the Self-encountering process as it is implemented in my life.

I remember the days when I used to feel so bad about myself. I was a miserable and pathetic human being, constantly asking for permission to live. I had no esteem within myself at all. I wasn't in touch with myself. Until, I decided to go on a journey "looking for myself." (I must warn you this might contain several clichés).

Listing and Rankings

I created several methods to boost my Self-Esteem. One of the first methods I practiced was thinking of a list of all the people that loved me. Thinking of this list comforted me... God! I was so wrong!

Quickly, I learned that Self-Esteem shouldn't be a product of popularity. People loved me for different reasons. Some were more loving than others. Some people from my "loving" list could, and did, stop loving me. I didn't know if I part of this list; I never thought of me "loving" my Self. Even worse, there was also a list of people that didn't love me. I found that my "Self" was too precious to be stretched and squeezed by anybody's judgment; even those that loved me the most, even from myself. I was so wrong, looking for myself outside of me.

Once, I was told that I am indeed three different people. First, the Willie that the outside world thinks I am. Secondly, the Willie I think I am; and finally the Willie I really am (myself). People could either love me, or not, according to their perception of me. Yet, I too am fallible in my humanity. I could have a distorted perception of myself; and basing my Self-Esteem on the judgment of others could incorrectly lead me to love myself or not. Perceptions tend to vary from time to time, and from person to person. It is unfair to let people decide, even those that love unconditionally, the quality of myself. How can I, in my biased perceptions, even judge my true worth. You see, I could be so charming, and I could be a friend to anybody or everybody, but that does not create or qualify my sense of Self-Esteem. I could be the best friend and the funniest guy that you ever met, the "coolest" guy on earth... still that does not complement my Self-Esteem.

So, I decided to continue with a different kind of list. I started listing my achievements, ranking myself according to what I was worth, or how successful I was. This was so unfair! How do you rank what you are worth? Do I total my academic titles, calculate my responsibilities, enumerate my salary, my new car, or my love conquests?

I had achieved many of my goals but I found that I didn't live for these goals, I lived through them. I was short sighted when I based the worth of myself on a list like this. Failure and success so many circumstances. Basing my self-worth on this list was to define myself from some events within my life. I can't focus just on two or three events and then decided of how successful I am. My perception of success was not fair with myself. I realized that I had to change my perception of success.

So, I decided that I don't want to be the most successful, the richest man on earth, the most handsome (Would I be more popular if I were more handsome? I have the friends that I have, and it is not exactly because my appearance. "Beauty comes from within"... let me rephrase this: "Beauty is multidimensional, it comes from many aspects of myself.")

I don't even want to be the most intelligent (Would I be happier because I am smarter? It is not a necessary condition. You could use your intelligence to pursue happiness. Even so, happiness is like rain and it rains over us all). I certainly want to be the happiest or the most content man on earth; and to start being happy I had to start to with myself. I had to start to know myself, heal myself from the lack of consideration from myself, learn to be comfortable with myself, and eventually love myself unconditionally.

The Silver Lining

I was so childish and shallow. However, even if these attempts to boost my Self-Esteem were puerile, I didn't destroy the lists. On the way to know myself, I have to first know where have I been, on whom I could count, what were my gifts and talents, and ultimately, what did I really want.

I don't consider myself an overachiever. I am successful in so many ways, but I couldn't reach into myself by acknowledging my accomplishments. Achievements when taken as goals are just limits. But if I look at them as milestones, then the achievements turn into my own departure points. Once I understood and honored my "departure points" and my resources, I could really start looking for myself.

The Inner Child

Many times I heard about the inner child, and I thought this referred to some kind of self-indulgent childish fantasies... nah! That's not the case. In a more mature approach to know myself, I went after my "inner brat" instead. For instance, when I think of the people I love, and I look at them objectivly, I found that there were often many things I didn't like about this person or the other. However, I could still care and love them unconditionally. Then the issue goes like this: could I do the same for myself? Could I stand to look at the dark side of myself? Would I care for my "inner brat"?

There are so many things I could learn from my own dark side (I'm still learning). I realized that recognizing the flaws and fears in myself, I could change them, or at least accept them. But the most important part is to love the imperfections that compose the geography of the "Self".

I could sound like a very calculating person, measuring the processes within myself, but actually that was not the case. The first step was for me to stay still and listen to myself. I started looking introspectively to recognize my flaws, accept them, or change them. I didn't bring up a logs and journals to record my "dark side" in intimate detail. I just started paying attention.

One thing that I learned was that I underestimated my potential, my qualities, and in general, myself. Along with that, I was overestimating my flaws and fears. I couldn't see my real Self. I realized that I wasted so much energy working against myself; and I could actually shift that energy to work to my own benefit.

Reasons and Excuses

One way to shift the course of energy is to change perspectives. For example, I have an acne problem. I hated my skin because of its appearance. I went to a doctor once, and he told me something that helped me to accept my blemished skin. He told me that my skin is very delicate, that some people do not need more than water and soap; but some, as me, needed a little help to have a clear skin. I never considered that concept of a delicate skin... that doctor helped me more by aiding me in re-evaluating my perceptions than with the acne medication.

The lesson is that I could see things under a different perspective. I could go easy on my judgments. I could shift my energy from a destructive perspective to a more healing approach. It is also worth mentioning that before this small epiphany, I was more perceptive about the flaws rather than the features. I was paying more attention to my broken skin and treating it bad. Instead, I found I could take charge and proceed correctly with more efficacious skin treatments. I should have acknowledged the fact that my skin has a delicate condition. It is funny how I focused on what was wrong. I concentrated my energy to exaggerate my errors and diminish myself. It was easy to borrow my ears to any ill advice, it is easy to persistently cling to excuses and keep myself from being myself.

You know, I could have used the topic of homosexuality as an example on how low my Self-Esteem was. However, I don't think that being gay was a reason for those bad feelings about myself. That is yet another excuse. Excuses are usually free and easy to find anywhere. Therefore, it is not fair use my gayness as a "reason" for a low Self-Esteem. The real reason, I could say now, is the quantity of homophobia that I harbored deep within myself, and that fed on myself.

There are those values/features (even manners or habits) that were granted to you without even asking (Serendipity is it called?). And there are values/features that you learn on your own during life. Good or bad, these are acquired through out each and every experience. Therefore, some of my beliefs, perceptions, and/or behaviors are conditioned by my experiences. There is a difference in the origin of them. I tended to accept these behaviors as mine.

I learned to be homophobic. However, I was gay before I was aware of what the word homosexuality means. It is easy to take a position opposite to myself, acting up against my own will, yielding my own space, and giving myself up.

Questioning

I said at the beginning that I was on a journey, and an important part of that journey was to find answers. Many of the answers for which I searched were available, under my very own nose. I just have to formulate the questions. So, I start to question most everything just to get bits of information. This information, like steps, could take me either way, up (above everyone) or down. Then I needed understanding to guide me to the right path. This knowledge, like a light, could help me to see far and beyond. A little knowledge gives just a glance; but the more knowledge I got, the more I could distinguish the shapes, the colors, the shades, the depth, the comprehension. Although, I needed a third element: wisdom. Wisdom acts as a compass helping me to find a North, it is also the balance between what is right and what is wrong. I find myself praying to God everyday to help me become a good reader of the compass of myself.

I once was told that people often choose to be victims because it is easier than overcoming their fears. Well, I disagree. Holding onto a victim's role is hard, it hurts, it is unnatural. Now I know, that the role of victim, or any other role, is more or less a choice that we could make or at least shape to our Self.

The victim's roles play an important part in a process that involves Self-Pity and Self-Absorption. These spiral into several different patterns, cycles, vicious circles. Paying attention to these vicious circles, and the fear processes that imprinted on my soul such low Self-Esteem, helps me to break of them, and to become my third "Self", the self I was truly created and meant to be.

The Cycles and the Escape Ways

Attention is a key word, but I had to be aware of not paying too much attention. Exaggerating the attention would make a paranoid of me (just what I needed). The use of humor is vital then. I don't want to take myself too seriously. I need to relax with myself. The sense of humor is a great tool. I usually overuse my drama license, I could easily lapse into dramatic convulsions... please... I'll take a moment to roll my eyes here. Exercising the power of laughing at my own expense is indeed very, very healthy.

Usually cycles are inside bigger cycles, like in a spiral. It is a matter of how I approach it so I could have a downward or an upward spiral. The idea is to be more evolved at the end of it. I could practice any self-destructive habit, or shift the energy and start going the opposite way. Practicing, for instance, constructive self-criticism instead of listing a litany of miseries. Practicing balance is better than running from one end to the other.

Working out the Self-Esteem is an everyday thing, like any job, eating properly, resting, and taking care of my business. I can't say if my journey ended, I can't say that I am the happiest man on the face of the earth. I have good and bad hair days. Affirming my strength, I could inject vitality to my weak points. I am not done yet, and for all that counts I am still going.

Willie Siu

Essays
What Am I Doing?	Faith and Certainty	Misery's Advice
Approval Sickness	Good Pride, Bad Pride	The Believer In Me
	Self

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