Approval Sickness

Did I mention that I am Gay? Didn't I? I grow up in a very gay-hostile environment. I was brought up believing that I was sick, that homosexuality is some kind of illness. It took me a lot of time to really get out of the closet, and more to convince myself that homosexuality is as "normal" as anything else.

The mind is a strange thing, now I realize that I conveyed some "defense mechanisms". One of these mechanisms was a sort of compensation. Yes, I tried (and sometimes I still do) to compensate by being a good son, the best friend, the nicest person, the excellent student, the example employee, a God-feared citizen, in order to be accepted as a gay-person. I was always yielding, always giving myself to everything and everybody. Now I think different, now I know that the only person that I have to comply with is me, myself and my own. I was constantly diminishing my self-esteem and desperately seeking for approval just to be/feel part of, to belong to, and mostly to be dismiss and be forgiven because "I am faggot".

Now I know that being gay is not a good or a bad thing, is just another way to be. Even more, I know now that as a gay person I have my rights. However, there are still remaining of this mechanism that I called Approval Sickness.

I was brought up to feel all wrong about me, so I constantly checked with the reactions I provoke to the people around me. Ironically, those reactions made me feel wrong about gayness in first place.

I actually listed all the actions in which I yield before the others in order to be accepted. Once I did, my first reaction was to be bitter about all my past, and myself. The bitterness became anger toward my past and myself, and then I decided to tackle the approving-seeking-mechanism. I started by re-considering the meaning of the approval. The approval is as much necessary to obtain as the importance you grant to it. Then, the more you care about it, the more you crave.

In my case, I wanted to fit in, I wanted to be part and be "normal". I wanted people to think that I was a good person, even though I am gay. Silly me!!!

I granted too much importance to the approval of my family, my "friend", the neighbors, the co-workers, classmates, etc. It was very hard for me to feel myself accepted by everybody. I was always asking for forgiveness to everybody because I am gay, even to those that don't really care about me being gay.

I have seen some changes though, now every time I come out to somebody, I just do, no big deal about it. I don't even want to be bother with the person's reaction anymore. I remember that the first time I came out to somebody it was so stressful for me, I cried like a Maria Magdalena (this is a Nicaraguan colloquialism, it comes from the bible, Maria Magdalena was a prostitute that Jesus forgave, and because of Jesus' action she cried a lot, I mean a lot).

A key word here is importance, which is a very relative term. Because of its subjective strength, the importance of any object, circumstance, fact, person, or reality depends on its presence and its display on your life. Therefore, if you think too much about something, this something could become so relevant in your life, it could take control over your life.

In my case, I really felt that I was wrong, the I was the sinner, that I was the mistake, that I was ill. Just because I was different and people didn't know how to react in my presence. I was the aim of so much mockery, I was the aim of so much judgements, so much mistrust, so many fingers pointing at my direction. Of course I wanted their approval, of course it affected me. The importance that I gave to those judgements blinded me. It became part of me. In a way I became homophobic, I couldn't just accept myself. The disproportional importance that I granted to the fact of being gay and people's reactions led my life. I was pathetic. Now I don't look for approval, yet I look for those actions that are approval-seek like.

Come out of the closet is an everyday task. I know that every inch out of the closet is because there is less and less homophobia in me. It is because, I am learning to balance between the importance of being gay, and the importance of being accepted.

Willie Siu

Essays
What Am I Doing?	Faith and Certainty	Misery's Advice
Approval Sickness	Good Pride, Bad Pride	The Believer In Me
	Self

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