Tuesday August 1, 2000
I awoke feeling kind of groggy after a fitful night’s sleep. It was
partly because it was only the second hot and steamy night of the summer and sleeping well
when it’s so uncomfortable takes some practice. But it was also because of the
anticipation anxiety I was feeling in advance of today’s court date.
It was a pleasant surprise this morning to get mail from someone I haven’t heard from
in months, offering kind words of support. It really helped. I sure needed it.
First, it never occurred to me last night when I set the alarm forward by an hour that
I’d be leaving only a half-hour later than usual. This morning it took a while for
the grogginess to lift and so it took forever for me to read and reply to mail. I never
read any of my first thing in the morning web sites. I skipped breakfast because I felt
that butterflies on an empty stomach was a better choice than butterflies with pancakes.
Skipping those two items put me back on schedule for the bathroom, where I proceeded to
hack the hell out of my face shaving. Of course since I shave then shower, I was still
bleeding quite some time later and briefly considered stopping off for a transfusion on
the way.
Getting the bleeding stopped from the dozen nicks and cuts took enough time that I missed
my bus. The next one was only eleven minutes later, but I wasn’t sure if Judge
Johnson was in the Public Safety Building today or across the Civic Center in the Hall of
Justice. I wanted be sure to get there with time to spare in order to get a good seat.
Of course, I walked past the Hall of Justice to the Public Safety Building only to find
out Judge Johnson was in the Hall of Justice today. The lines at the metal detectors there
are notoriously long and slow and today was no exception. Still, I got to the courtroom
ten minutes before it was scheduled to start. And it was already in session. I’m not
sure why. I suspect it has to do with extra workload due to vacations.
I got the seat I wanted, front row on the aisle of the “groom’s side”, or
rather the prosecution’s side, and settled in. Now worrying began in earnest. Had
they already called the case? They generally take in-custody cases first and
alphabetically within the docket. They were calling defendants from the seats and were in
the Fs already. But they also do arraignments first, then cases for trial and motions,
finally sentencings, so there was still a good chance that I hadn’t missed anything,
depending on which method they were using to manage the docket.
When I found they hadn’t called the case yet because Jeffrey’s public defender
was in another courtroom I could lay that worry to rest and resume worrying about what was
going to happen and how it was going to go. I did my best to cope by attempting to keep my
thoughts empty and forcing my body to relax. Forced relaxation, what a concept.
The case was the second one called after a brief
recess. Standing in the door as they removed his handcuffs, Jeffrey mouthed the words
“Fuck you” to me. I shrugged and he shrugged back. As he was walked to where he
was supposed to stand, I saw he had with him a copy of the four-page letter I sent in with
the Victim’s Impact Statement.
It’s nothing you haven’t read here in the Journal, but the section containing my
side of the story is pretty inflammatory. But that’s the only chance I got to tell my
side and I kept it just that, my side. It’s his job and that of his attorney to
balance the picture. So I expected him to be angry because he too had been waiting for
over an hour, and he had reading material. And he probably considers it to be simply yet
another instance of my violating his trust and confidence and further meddling in his
affairs.
However, the section dealing with my opinion of the sentence agreement is unusual in that
I continue to advocate for his getting psychiatric care and treatment for his addiction.
Most importantly, I stressed the need for aftercare. Turning him loose on the streets even
after months of rehab work has proven ineffective.
Anyway, that’s what the judge is dealing with. Alternatives to Incarceration, his
public defender and I are all arguing for the same thing. I’m sure that this
sort of thing coming from the victim really has her head spinning. So she requested more
information on Jeffrey’s treatment history and rescheduled sentencing for Monday
August 21 at 2:00PM. Matter adjourned.
If the judge’s head is spinning over all of
this, where’s mine? In pretty good space, thanks for asking.
As you recall, I was not required to be in court today. I had several motives for going
though. One was to see how the judge handled everything. I was pleased, even if the whole
thing being so far out of the ordinary it’s a mess for her. Another was I wanted to
see how Jeffrey was feeling and handling it. I got that too, and frankly, I'm just as
pleased.
I’m still sorting out my feelings, most of which are still positive. But I’ve
been dealing with them for nine hours now as I write this and I’m tired. So you;ll
have to settle for the short version right now. Which is, I feel I can finally move on and
begin to put our friendship in the past.
I feel safe knowing that for now, there will be no attempts of reconciliation from him.
I’m saddened by that too because part of me was, no is, still hoping for that. But
now I can deal with those feelings without worrying if I’ll pass the test should it
come too soon. Feelings, just like everything else, change over time and I may be tested
on the reconciliation issue in the future, but I have time to learn how to deal with it
correctly if it comes. And I can put it all behind me if it doesn’t come.
I’ve felt my life was on hold for the past several weeks. Now I can move on.
Thursday August 3, 2000
I crashed yesterday. At some point late Tuesday the anxiety-driven
adrenaline pump shut down and I awoke yesterday feeling relaxed again. And tired. And sore
from being tesnse for so many days.
The tension had crept up all weekend. About the only coping skills I have for it are
drugging and avoidance. I chose avoidance and immersed myself in the web redesign. By the
time I left for court on Tuesday, I had almost all the pages converted to the new format.
There remain only four pages left on my to do list along with some graphics to rework.
It takes a certain amount of muscle tension to perform ordinary movement. You tense
certain muscles in a certain order so you can walk, for instance. Walking yesterday was a
chore because I could barely make that amount of tension. It’s not that my legs felt
heavy and leaden, on the contrary, I felt light and free. But the body was just saying,
“No, not today I’m enjoying being relaxed.” You can argue with yourself,
but in the end your body always wins.
I almost dozed off at lunch. I went into one of the empty group rooms to read. I was on
the verge of nodding out and decided against it because I didn’t want to be found
asleep after lunch and lose my seat in the other group room. It was pet therapy day, and I
hate dogs. But I’m willing to play along if can sit outside the circle behind a
table.
Of course this doesn’t help with the atmospheric disturbances. I’m sure I’m
overly sensitive to it and the dog’s owners are desensitized to it, but the dogs just
plain stink. I smell dog and dog shit as soon as they enter the room. It’s just like
how non-smokers can tell who smokes by the smell on our skin, hair and clothes. We smokers
stink. So do the dogs.
The session was on codependency, an affliction for which I’m the poster boy. As
discussion progressed I couldn’t help but to find parallels with pet owners and their
pets. It’s clear to me anyway that a codependent relationship exists between them.
And there were interesting parallels to what we learned in the assertiveness group earlier
in the day. I’ll have to explore that. See? Pet therapy works even in those of us who
don’t like them.
My father picked me up after group. My parents are leaving the country again this morning
and it was the traditional before a trip dinner. I took advantage of the situation and we
stopped here to get my laundry on the way.
Group tends to be draining for everyone and yesterday was no exception for me. And I was
tired and still suffering the aftereffects of the adrenaline anxiety of the preceding few
days. I sat around like a lump. But even so, my mother, when asking how thing were going
with group, remarked, “You seem so much better. I noticed it even a couple of weeks
ago.”
That was an unexpected surprise. And the evening held one more. They gave me $25, a
veritable fortune right now. Just gave it to me. No strings, no chores attached. I’m
taking it as in indication that they too want to repair the relationship, but don’t
know quite how to start.
I’ll have to explore ways to do that before they come back in two weeks.
Friday August 4, 2000
I missed writing this morning. It felt good to write yesterday morning.
Sure it wasn’t the best piece of literature ever composed, but it got my day off to a
good start. But this morning I was dealing with a really complex brew of stuff and it just
wasn’t the right time to write.
BTW, as I write, there’s another great trance mix on Music Choice. This one is
“Trance X/perience Vol. 1” by Danny Sullivan, number 5024 on Jellybean. It
begins with a spoken word piece about how for thousands of years people have used music,
rhythm and dance to bring about a state of trance. It says, “Listen to the beat of
your heart… Breathe deep and feel the power…”
Actually, it’s not unlike relaxation group on Friday afternoons in that regard. I
didn’t speak up though when the therapist asked the group what kinds of music we use
for relaxation. I had a hard time last week explaining, when the topic was favorite music,
that trance is a sub-genre of club/dance music. I got a lot of blank stares. Explaining
that I scream and dance around like a crazy person to the very same dance music I zone out
to would have been even more difficult, so I let it pass.
In any event, I made a lot of phone calls last night. None of them worked out the way I
wanted. I phoned a friend to see how he was doing and to see if he could repay some money
I’d lent him. It turns out he’s suffered an economic hardship during the past
couple of weeks and is having a yard sale this weekend to pay the rent. Further, a
situation similar to mine, although significantly different in details and without the
influence of crack, has put him in the same frame of mind I was in during the week of my
birthday.
He never saw it coming even though it was plain as day to me. Just as I never saw it
coming with Jeffrey even though he was among those warning me. It says a lot about the
capacity we have for trust and hope. And the abuse of that trust and hope. Especially in
those of us who give it too freely. We can’t assume others will play by the same
rules even if they are family, friend, lover or roommate.
I mourn the loss of my trust. And I feel badly that everyone who, in the future, I’ll
want to become close to, or who wants to become close to me, is going to pay for that
lesson in one way or another. I’ll still be paying for it as well with the mistakes
I’ll make in not trusting the right person, in the right amount, at the right time.
I called to check in on another friend because I was concerned for him. He and his BF went
to the Adirondacks for a week and returned Wednesday no longer a couple. He is crushed.
It’s the second time in as many years where he’s taken things slowly and gotten
to the point were he trusts and loves enough to start thinking about a future, only to be
dumped. He wasn’t sure if he could recover the last time. It makes me all the more
concerned this time. He wasn’t home and didn’t return the call.
I cried in group for the first time yesterday morning. I’m beginning to let go of
Jeffrey. And I realized that while I’m mourning the good times we had, I’m also
mourning the way things could have been then, now and in the future had the bad times not
occurred. I got a lot of support in group as others suffering personal losses realized
that what they too are mourning is what might have been.
As I write this I finally understand the meaning of words which have confused and haunted
me for 30 years. Those words are the title of a Moody Blues album, “Days of Futures
Past.”
Saturday August 5, 2000
This is the last weekend for the current Scenic Route format. Tomorrow the site will be
down for some time while I delete the old files and replace them with the new ones.
I’m not sure when I’ll start, (after all it IS Sunday), how long it will take
(there are always unforeseen issues) and therefore, when I’ll finish. There will be a
temporary page up while I make the changes so with the exception below, you shouldn’t
get the dreaded 404 error if you stop by to have a look while I’m working on it.
Bookmarks and favorites: Most filenames and
locations will change. If you have the Home Page,
Contents page or the Journal page bookmarked or in your favorites
list, you won’t need to do anything. Those filenames will remain the same under the
new design.
I’ve noticed that some readers use the 2000
Archives page, About Me and several
others as their entry point to the site. Those filenames are changing and you’ll get
a 404 error when you access them under the old name. Simply decide which new page you want
for your bookmark or favorite and replace the old one with the new.
Incoming Links: If you have a web site and you link
to mine, rest assured links should continue to work properly. I can't think of any links
to the Scenic Route were the filenames or locations will change. Links to existing journal
entries will not be affected as the archives will remain in place unchanged. I will be
making changes to the navigation within the archives so visitors coming from your site
aren't stuck on the one page if they choose to explore Scenic Route further.
Linking to individual journal entries in the future is made more difficult due to the
framed design. You can choose to link to the Journal
page and let people navigate from there, or you can link to the particular entry page and
it will come up just fine as an unframed page. There is sufficient navigation in the page
headers and footers for visitors to find their way into the frameset if you choose this
method.
To link to an individual journal entry in the new format, use the following filename
convention: http://www.brucew.com/YYYY/MMDD.htm#Day where DD is the date of the
Monday in the week and Day is the first three characters of the day name with the first
letter in CAPs. You can still link to older entries using the traditional methods.
Compatibility: The new format is designed
specifically to look best at screen resolutions of 800x600 or higher. The vast majority of
computers meet this requirement by default, so there should be very few issues. Viewing
the site at lower resolutions like 640x480 or using WebTV will work okay, but you may have
to do so horizontal scrolling. The page header and footer will slide off the right edge of
the frame on all pages, but the actual page content on all but a few pages will not
require scrolling.
The new design is frames-based. If you use an older browser version, (I’ve had
several visitors recently using Netscape 2) isn’t it time you upgraded anyway? Take
your pick of Netscape 4 or 6 or Internet Explorer 5. I recommend IE5.
If you have issues with Microsoft and like living on the bleeding edge, try Netscape 6
Preview Release 1. It has some known issues, particularly with table formatting, but it
seems to work fine. Remember though, it is betaware and by definition, beta software is
buggy. Use it with care. Netscape 4 users won’t miss out on any new design elements
you aren’t already missing in the existing format.
I’ve heard, but I don’t know for sure, that older versions of WebTV don’t
do frames but newer ones do. I didn’t change to frames or design for a larger screen
specifically to alienate you, although I realize it is a consequence of my decision.
I hope to have time for a regular entry or two this
weekend. If not, I’ll have something up on Monday. The same goes for e-mail. I’m
already behind on replies to some people. I’ll get caught up during the first part of
the week.
