Journal

Although I write at work frequently, I don’t usually do the actual updates to the site from here. That’s because it would create a discrepancy between my "working" copy at home and the "production" copy on the web server. FrontPage really doesn’t like it when you do that. I’m having PC trouble at home right now, so the only way to update is to do it from work.

For some reason Windows NT’s networking stuff quit working, so I can’t connect to Road Runner through the cable modem. After doing PC support all day at work, the last thing in want to do is fix my own PC at home, so it’s just gonna haveta wait until the weekend.

My e-mail client here at work is, and has been for several months, configured to get mail from my address. The stupid program will only send replies using my work e-mail address. Don’t let that confuse you if you send me mail.

News in brief for the week looks something like this:

Debbie apologized for the nasty things she’s said and done over the past few weeks. (I reported only voice-mail messages, there’s been plenty more.) So for the time being, I’m back in her good graces and that relieves a lot of pressure off of Jeff.

The feud between Jeff and Jim continues, but on a lower level. Kinda like a "Cold War". I now know what Jeff’s felt like for the past few months as the cold war between Debbie and I has waxed and waned. And, Jeff knows how I’ve felt.

Tuesday night, Jeff stopped by to change clothes on the way to the Forum. I was already asleep. He had a lot of stuff on his mind and he just kinda unloaded. When he does that, I just sit back, (or lie back) and listen until he runs out of steam. Sometimes I’ll give him a point or two to ponder after he’s done.

Tuesday he talked about how everyone leaves him in the end (again) and how although he loves Debbie, he’s seriously considering breaking up because she’s always so mean to him. He thinks it’s because she’s unhappy. So he was pondering the old saw, "If you love someone, set them free."

I left him with two points to ponder. The first I can’t remember to save my life. But he had woken me up so I wasn’t firing on all eight, as they say. The second went something like this: "You said that if you love someone, and you can't make them happy, you need to set them free so they can find their own happiness. That applies to you too. First you have to love yourself, then set yourself free. Then and only then will you find the relief and the happiness you seek."

He wandered back in at 4:00AM. He’d been thinking about what I’d said, and had come to several conclusions. I support him 100% in what he decided. Now all he has to do is get over the fear of change and do it. I believe that part of the problem is described best in one of his proverbs:

So much of his self-image and self-identity comes from the shield or mask he uses to protect his feelings. It’s that tough-guy ex-con shit that he drops as soon as we’re alone. So if he disposes of the mask, he’s also disposing of a major part of his self-image and self-identity.

The mask is in conflict with his true self, and it’s becoming harder and harder to put it back on. Besides protecting him from others, it also holds inside a lot of stored up emotions, what in rehab is called "stuffed" emotions. When we don’t want to, or can’t, deal with an emotional issue, we "stuff it in a box". He’s finding it harder and harder to keep the box shut, and to close it again when it springs open.

I’ve been there, at exactly the same age too. It’s a feeling that goes way beyond frightening when you discover you can’t continue as the person you think you are, and there’s all that shit in the box that is never going away until you deal with it.

The choice literally becomes, change or die. And change is so close to die that it’s equally frightening.

You have to metaphorically kill your old self so you can build your new self, while at the same time dealing with the stuff in the box. Getting past this is so much like suicide that you go through very much the same set of agonizing, frightening decisions. It’s not unusual for people to actually commit suicide rather than face the alternative.

This is why I’ve been concerned about my friend, especially in the past few weeks. He is on the cusp of that decision. I’m worried he may take the "easy" way out. I’ve been trying to influence his decision with both positive words, and the recent outbursts. Carrot and stick, the oldest motivators known. I just hope it works.

On a more positive note, Jim is changing the course of his career from circuits and chips and EE type stuff, to software engineering, probably the type of software called microcode that’s embedded in ROMs. He completed his course on C++ last night. So we’re celebrating. He gets paid today, so he’s taking us out to dinner tonight, I get paid tomorrow, and I’ll buy then. Anything to get out of the kitchen! J

Here on the Help Desk, I really started getting comfortable with the new software on Tuesday. We have the major kinks worked out with the call logging and dispatch. It really makes things a lot easier. Some of the most common issues, like password resets, are handled with a minimum of fuss. I can actually log the call in the amount of time it takes for me to tell the user "Okay, try it now" and for them to say "Wow. I’m in. Thanks!" Most of us never took the time to log calls like that. Since I’ve been keeping track, I’ve not logged about a call a day, and I used to not log two to four calls per hour.

I ran into Vince last night at the Forum. Jeffrey was at my apartment absolutely shit-faced and I needed to get away for a bit. Vince swung in from Gay Bingo to pick up some bookwork before heading to Tony’s. I think the last time we actually talked face-to-face was before Christmas. Anyway, I got him to buy me a beer in exchange for some of the gory details I can’t put on the web. And things were settled down by the time I got back home.

That’s about all I have time for. I’ll get the PC fixed this weekend and do a more thorough update then.