Journal

That’s what makes me, us, different from the rest of the world. I knew my sexuality by age four, years before I knew what sex was. Although I accepted my sexuality years ago, it’s taken me years to come to terms with it.

What coming to terms with it means for me, is that it took me quite some time to integrate my sexuality into the whole of myself. It’s not a separate part of me. And it’s not the defining attribute of my identity or personality. Yes, I’m a gay man. But social convention puts the words in that order, not my sense of self.

Yet, the surest way to offend me is to attack my sexuality. Jeffrey succeeded in that a few minutes ago. He’s a straight man who is flexible in his sexuality. Flexible enough that that he’s been able to ply the trade as a rentboy. He freely admits to having enjoyed sex with men on occasion, although most of the time, it’s just a business transaction. The rest of the time, he’s in a relentless pursuit of pussy. He shares his speculation on the perceived quality of pussy in every female he sees. I ignore it.

I think it’s because of his flexible sexuality that he has difficulty understanding that my sexuality is inflexible. As inflexible as that of a religious-right straight man. Yet I accept other’s sexuality, gay, straight, bi, or buy, unquestioningly.

Society stereotypes gay men as having conversion fantasies. Perhaps that’s true, perhaps it isn’t. What I can relate, is that I’ve had that fantasy, although I’d never act upon it. Sometimes you see a guy who you just wish were gay. And it enters your mind, "If he’s just try it once he’s truly appreciate it."

Interestingly, straight people have this fantasy as well. Perhaps that’s why they’re so threatened by gay conversion fantasies – they have the same fantasy, and fear they could be converted as easily as they hope to convert us.

I can’t count how many women have actually offered to "convert" me. The allegation being that the pussy is so powerful that it can change one’s core being in a single session. Further evidence of the straight conversion fantasy is supplied by the recent "ex-gay" newspaper ads, which allege that the "cure" they’ve developed successfully in others can be applied to anyone. "Just join us and we’ll cure you too" the ads proclaim. The pinnacle of the conversion fantasy.

Jeffrey harbors this conversion fantasy with regard to me. He finds it inconceivable that I’ve never had sex with a female, never wanted to have sex with a female, and find the whole concept disgusting. Just the thought makes me physically ill. The same physical reaction most of us get when we encounter a rotting corpse. While heterosexual sex is good for the species as a whole, I want no part of it.

We’ve argued and fought in the past about many things. Much of the time it’s been because I’ve had trouble accepting him, his thoughts or actions. I believe I’ve gotten past that. For I came to realize that he desires the same acceptance as I do. In one of the first pieces I wrote for this site, the Introduction, I expressed my desire to be accepted. I went on to say, "You don’t have to understand me, like me or agree with me. Just accept me. I promise I’ll do the same for you." A promise I’ve had difficulty keeping.

Recently, the shoe’s been on the other foot. The only time we argue or fight is when he’s having trouble accepting me. Most recently, it’s been the conversion fantasy, (although the other day we had a fight about music, of all things.)

Now, we’re incredibly close. Neither of us has ever experienced the same level of closeness with another person in our lives. It’s only because of those feelings that our fights cause us such pain. I’m afraid I came down on him tonight much too hard and much too fast. I guess my sexuality is still sore point with me when it’s called into question.

Although it seems like every day, in reality it’s only a couple of times a week, he brings up the conversion fantasy. He seems to delight in making me feel disgusted by pussy. Yes, I’ve lead him on. Only to shut him up on the subject. Apparently he felt that I was sincere and had relented when I told him earlier this week, "Okay, sure, someday." It shut him up and bought me respite.

Tonight he was genuinely shocked and hurt when he brought it up again and I went off. He refused further discussion on the subject, so I wrote this. In a way, it's my apology to him for flying off the handle. In a way, it's an attempt to offer an explanation, and to ask for acceptance. And in a way, it’s my commentary on the broader issue.

I’ll finish what I was going to write, tomorrow, maybe.

Still, the subject gnaws at me. I can’t seem to put it down until I’ve said my complete peace. And I’m not sure what that complete peace is. And in fact, it’s not just the one issue that gnaws at me, there are several.

On the one hand, we have teasing. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who enjoys being teased. Particularly not with the same thing over and over and over again. I don’t like it. Not at all. And how do you defend yourself against it? Not reacting encourages the teaser, as does reacting. What do you do? Avoid the person entirely? And why is it that they’re so shocked and hurt when you finally lash out at them? Isn’t it that reaction exactly what they’re hoping to elicit? Why does it surprise them? Why do they suddenly feel so hurt? Do they feel they can continually hurt someone else with impunity?

Then there’s sexuality. Why do people insist that I shouldn’t reject having sex with females until after I’ve tried it? I don’t insist upon the same from the straight community. And what is this obsession with genitalia? I like men because they’re men, not because of the presence of testicles and a penis, (although that’s a definite plus,) nor because of the absence of a vagina, (also a definite plus.)

Even Jeffrey’s confused by this. He’s asked me, "Well if you like to fuck guys in the ass, why can’t you fuck women in the ass? An asshole is an asshole, right?" He can’t seem to accept that it’s an issue of sexual orientation, not an issue of orifice preference. Face it, there’s a world of difference between a man’s ass and a woman’s.

I’ve grown tired of this. How about some new subjects?

Jeff’s been writing again. And it’s for posting. I’ve been holding off for a bit because I think I’d like to set up his own site rather than post his stuff as part of mine. I’d like to see him develop his own online identity, and not have to rely on me to post his stuff.

On the other hand, he’s still just starting to get the hang of Word, so maybe it’s better that we wait before he takes the plunge into website design, development and maintenance. And he’s still got that jail time coming up, so I’ll have to manage his site for a while then anyway. We’ll have that discussion and make a decision during the week this week.

If you’ve read the Dedication on the home page of my site, you’ll know I feel a connectedness with those who have gone before. I do as much reading as I can on the subject of gay history. There’s not much written, and I continue looking.

A few screenings, and the closing night gala on the 24^th, are held at the Dryden Theater at the International Museum of Photography and Film in The George Eastman House, also here on East Avenue. Whether or not you believe the rumors that George Eastman, founder of Eastman Kodak, was "family", I think it’s gratifying that portions of such a prestigious film festival are hosted at such a prestigious locale.

And finally a bit of unfinished business. Something else I didn’t get around to this weekend was finishing this entry I started at work on Friday. Here it is anyway, and remember it's about last week, 9/28 to 10/4, not this week.

So he started out behind, and fell further behind every day, no matter how hard he tried. Eventually, he felt stupid and embarrassed. Finally he dropped out.

Up to Sat