Journal

Hmmm. I guess I didn’t get as far along with that story as I thought. Well here’s how the rest of it went:

After waiting for what seemed like an hour, (but was probably only seconds,) I asserted myself. I said something like, "I wouldn’t ordinarily cut the line like this, but I’m having a hypoglycemia attack and I need some fucking candy right now!" The four of them turned, looked and their mouths dropped open.

I was startled at how my voice sounded, and I’ve already said that I thought I looked frightening. Well after they were over the initial shock, between the way I looked, what I said and how I sounded, I elicited a response that I’m sure was similar to that a bank robber gets when plying his trade. Shock. The twinks and one of the girls behind the counter were absolutely dumbfounded.

The second girl behind the counter sprung, nervously, into action. She asked, "What do you want?" (In retrospect, I’m sure she’d have given me the contents of the cash drawer!) I got out, "I don’t care. Something, anything!" Never breaking eye contact, she grabbed a box of Raisinettes from under the counter and pushed them across to me.

Greedily, I snatched the candy and tried to get the cellophane open. It refused to yield. Finally, I grabbed my trusty Cross pen and stabbed at the package until I’d made a hole. I ripped the package open and thrust a couple of handfuls of Raisinettes down my throat. By the way, I HATE Raisinettes.

The girl asked if I needed anything else. I asked for a box of Snowcaps, (which I love,) and I settled the bill. Thanking them all profusely, I slid another five across the counter as a tip and headed back to the theater. The film was just ending. Someday it would be nice to see the last hour or so of the film again so I can see how it all turned out.

In the parking lot on the way to the car, Jeff ran into a friend. It seems like everywhere we go he runs into someone he’s been in jail with. Anyway, I continued to the car and got in the passenger side. Jeff cut his visit short, exchanged address and phone numbers with his friend and drove us home.

Here’s an example of how he puts others ahead of himself. Debbie was supposed to call us at my apartment at 11:00. The film didn’t end until 11:35. He knew she would be upset and wondering where we were, but rather than stop by Daphne’s, which is where we both figured Debbie would call from, he brought me home and made sure I was okay before he went back out to get Debbie. True, it’s a little thing, but little things count.

The details of the rest of last weekend have faded. But as usual, I was tired and I wound up sleeping very late. Like until dinner time. At one point in the early afternoon when I briefly awoke to drain my bladder, Jeff asked me to fire up the PC because he wanted to write. So he spent the afternoon writing and doing the laundry while I slept. I wish I could share what he wrote. Maybe someday he’ll let me.

In any event, I’ve been worried about him. We each seemed to hit a low point last weekend, and I’m concerned he may decide to give up. I can understand his feelings, and were I in the same position, I guess I’d feel the same way. That’s why I’m, concerned.

Now I expected some mail about that last entry. Right at the top of the inbox was a note from Michael in Columbus, who as usual, put things quite succinctly:

just read the movie theatre story. what are we goin' to do with you?!?! you forgot to eat until you had an attack? and then you contemplated finishing the movie before eating!?!?? sheesh!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what are you doing at work before 7:00AM on a Sunday morning? J

I don’t know. Eating is something I forget to do fairly often. Part of it is that I generally don’t feel hunger. And when I do feel it, it’s usually very low-grade and easily ignored. Strange, but true. So usually I eat for reasons other than hunger. Take this morning for instance, I don’t feel hungry, but I have a craving for bacon and eggs. So I’m going to eat because I want to enjoy a particular meal. Rather than eating to fill a bodily need, I want to experience the sensory pleasures.

Secondarily, I don’t really care to cook for myself alone. Throw one other person into the picture, and I’ll cook up a storm. (By the way, all I really want for Christmas is a wok. Ever try to stir-fry in an ordinary pan on an electric stove?) Conversely, if someone else is doing the cooking, I’ll eat them out of house and home.

Now, after all of that rationalization, the theater incident did get my attention. Coupled with the fact than all my pants are too big, I’m looking at the situation a bit more lately. Now while I’m delighted to have lost my love handles, and I’m ecstatic by the rediscovery of my abs, the fact that this has happened without my knowing it has me more than a bit concerned.

I haven’t had a 30" waist since before I quit smoking nearly seven years ago. As I come up on the first anniversary of my relapse, I’ve been worried about blimping-out again the next time I quit. Come to think of it, this weekend IS the first anniversary of my relapse. Damn. I wanted to have quit before this.

Appetite is a good indicator of my mental well-being. If I’m eating normally, then I’m pretty okay. If I’m eating too much, or not enough, well that usually means trouble. I’ve eluded to the troubles I’ve had lately. And although my shrink feels otherwise, I’ve been in a fairly deep depression for a few months now. Suicidal thoughts, twice in under thirty days, don’t sneak up on you out of nowhere. You build up to it over a period of time.

Here’s something I’ll bet you’ve never seen on another web site. Here’s the full text of a note my Psychologist sent to my Primary Care Physician (PCP) a week or two ago.

I know that Bruce Wilbur, DOB 6/19/57, will be seeing you in a few days. I have been seeing Bruce since May 1997 for depression as a result of relationship difficulties as well as for work related problems. His depression has been in remission for some time [We disagree on this point.] More recently he has asked me to evaluate his current, as well as long term, work-related difficulties, wondering if he has Attention Deficit Disorder.

Actually, from the first time I saw Bruce, in February 1992 following his decision to stop smoking, using drugs and alcohol, I wondered about this diagnosis. I have just completed a thorough clinical evaluation of Bruce’s current and historical functioning in regard to his attentional abilities, performance at school and work, as well as related areas of impulsively and hyperactivity. I also had him fill out a paper and pencil self-report, The Brown ADD Scale, that is normalized for adults. [My score? 102 of 120.]

Bruce meets the criteria for Attention Deficit Disorder, without hyperactivity. He shows consistent difficulties with organization, sustaining attention, concentration, especially for reading, managing more than one task at a time, and the ability to access memory as needed. These are life-long problems and appear to account for poor performance from grade school on, as well as a checkered work history. Bruce is a very bright individual who has not been able to achieve the educational and job performance levels one would expect. He is increasingly frustrated by the difficulties he experiences of jobs that he should be capable of handling.

Bruce’s past history of drug and alcohol abuse, now in remission for many years, his social skill difficulties which continue but are improving, and his poor self-esteem, which also continues to improve, are all secondary problems which can follow from ADD, especially when undiagnosed. This diagnosis seems to explain many aspects of his history, which until now, were difficult to understand as a total picture.

He would very much like to try medication. I am confident that he is in no danger of abusing stimulants. He has used therapy very well over the years to make substantial changes in his personality and coping skills. He appears sensitive to medications and I would recommend doses start small, for example 5mg Ritalin for several days before he goes up to 7.5 mg or 10mg. I have reviewed this in great detail with Bruce and will continue to see him to evaluate his response and make sure he is using all of the behavioral coping skills also necessary to manage this cognitive problem. I look forward to working with you to help alleviate this significant set of difficulties in Bruce’s life.

Oversharing? Perhaps, but no more so than other things I’ve shared here before. But it provides context for some of the events of last weekend and this past week. It was last week Wednesday that I saw my PCP, and he shot the whole thing down.

By the way, I burnt the bacon, overcooked the eggs and forgot about the toast after I put the bread in the toaster. The egg yolks were cooked, so there was nothing to dunk the toast in.

Between the cold and the writing, I’m pretty drained. So I’m gonna hit the hay. More to come…