Journal

Wow. The Ringmasters sure work fast. This morning when I got up, I’d heard from them all, had been accepted by all, and inserting into the rings.

Here’s something interesting. QueerRing alone has 839 members as of today. I had naively assumed that site ID numbers were given out in ascending sequential order. So guys, from here you’re linked to over 1,000 other gay personal pages on four different rings. Happy surfing! Just remember to drop back and visit yer ol’ buddy Bruce now and again, okay?

For the past week to so, I’ve had the site listed in my Gay.Net profile and on PlanetOut’s NetQueery. There’s been a noticeable increase in the number of visitors since then.

So this week, I’ve listed the site on GayGuide.com and Rainbow Query. You can link to both either from here or from the links page. By the way. Don’t confuse these sites with the porno links pages like SMaQ, Men-on-the-Net, or Hunkhunter’s Haunts. There are hundreds of non-porno gay sites out there. Not that I have anything against porno. J

GayGuide.com is new to me. It was recommended by the International Guild of Gay Webmasters, of which yours truly is a proud member. I haven’t had a chance to fully peruse the listings there, but it seems extensive. Rainbow Query on the other hand is HUGE. There are over 200 categories of sites. It’s worth a look.

With all these links, rings and indices, I have more connections than James Burke! (If you get the reference, drop me a note. I like a man with gray matter between his ears! J )

Anyway, except for the two journal entries, I got absolutely no writing done this weekend. First, I hadn’t planned on the site modifications taking two full days. Then today, except for a two-hour nap J, I’ve been on the web. Over four hours in my last session, and about the same this morning. So you’ll just have to check back for the stuff I owe you.

Meanwhile, the other contractor and I sit waiting for the System Administrator to add the NT Server Administration Program to our PCs so we can check user Ids to set up e-mail accounts.

I took the time to call 9NetAve and check on the tech support call I placed yesterday. My site logfiles and statistics haven’t updated since about 11:00 AM last Tuesday (the 10^th). Without the logfiles, and the statistics generated from them, I can’t tell which pages are more popular, if people are staying to read the site or just having a quick look-see, or if anyone’s using the links. All I know is the raw number of hits to the two pages with hit counters.

Just so you know, the logfiles DON’T give me your name, e-mail address or anything like that. Your privacy IS protected. The closest thing to personal data that’s collected in the logfiles is your ISP. So I can tell if a visitor is an AOL user, uses a national ISP like AT&T Worldcom, or a local ISP like mine. I can also tell if a visitor is from the USA or not. The distance record holder, by the way, came from Indonesia.

Enough tech talk.

Just a quick entry then off to bed. As you may have read, Scott from Oregon did the custom Scenic Route graphics you see at the top of the page. He just did ‘em up and e-mailed ‘em. I had no clue until they showed up one morning.

We’ve been e-mailing back and forth almost every day for close to a month now. In one exchange we were discussing music, bands and CDs we liked. He mentioned one group, Deep Forest, and said that their 3^rd release kept being postponed.

On of the things I like about CDnow is their weekly e-mail newsletter. Well divine providence must have intervened because that weekend in the upcoming releases section of the newsletter, Deep Forests’ "Comparsa" was listed. So I thought, what better way to say thanks for the cool graphics!

CDnow has an advance-ordering service for new releases. Just order, select FedEx shipping, and it’s at your door on the release date. Well, I forgot the release date was today, until I got home and checked the e-mail, and found this note from Scott. He said, in part:

IT'S HERE!!! THIS IS COOL!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!! IT'S HERE!!! THIS IS COOL!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!! IT'S HERE!!! THIS IS COOL!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!

Oh, grandma got a kick out the FedEx. She claims to never have heard of them. She's writing a letter to her friend now to tell her the exciting news. :)

GREAT BIG HUG!

Scott

Either that’s one excitable boy, or things are really dull at the Edge of Nowhere in Oregon!

The other author I’ve never read before. I’ve seen plenty of his books around. Something just turned me off. The titles, the jackets, the name. I don’t know. Then a couple of weekends ago I was visiting my brother Doug and his family. My niece, Jackie, who’s, god, 12 next month, or is it 13?

Anyway, she was reading one of his books. Reading has been a big thing in my family. To see an 11 or 12 year old tearing through adult-sized, and for all I knew, adult-content novels, is …. a mixed bag.

I’m proud that she’s up to a good clip, about 75 pages an hour, but I had to know what she’s reading. A few days later I had to go shopping. I do most of my shopping at BJ’s Wholesale. One of those wholesale clubs like Sam’s or Costco. Picked up one of his books there, along with three others, the Clancy included.

So back to the book. "The Clinic" by Jonathan Kellerman. Apparently a regular character of his, Alex Delaware, psychologist consultant for a gay homicide detective in LA. Sounds too formula, doesn’t it? Actually, it’s a good read. Not sure if 12 year olds should be reading it, but who am I to judge?

Actually, it’s the author’s name that’s put me off. Silly isn’t it? I go for Clancy, Ludlum, Sandford, Follet, Koontz. Kellerman? Doesn’t fit. Too many syllables. It’s interesting that the gay detective doesn’t come across "that way." Most times, in "straight" reading, the gay character is not treated well at all. Used, made fun of. Almost always either blackmailed, beat up or murdered. I don’t like it. In this book, and I presume the series, it’s just another aspect of the character. No big deal. In fact I had no clue until reference was made of it. Even has a lover. LTR.

And isn’t that all we want out of straight society? No big deal. I’m gay. Just another aspect of my character.

You know, I’m not sure if I’m ready for a relationship again, as much as I’d like one. There’s nothing quite like having a man of your own. Someone who knows your deepest, darkest secrets, and hangs around anyway. I can’t describe how satisfying and fulfilling that is.

I need it so badly.

No matter how good I (think I) am in bed, no matter what my social status. Someone who accepts me the way I am, makes all the difference. I try. I really do. To be a better person, not be judgmental, be accepting, all those things I hope to find in a partner. And yet, that’s what it comes down to.

I know I’m not making any sense. I’ve had a few too many Blues for that. I’m just trying to capture my feelings. Drug-induced, or drug-enabled as they may be.

I was brought up where cues weren’t subtle, unless some form of disapproval was involved. I have a hard time interpreting others because I can’t quite read between the lines. I’m forever either over-interpreting things, or I miss the point entirely. Unless things are spelled right out for me.

I think I’ve written about how emotions, other than giddiness or anger, were not acceptable in the house when I grew up. What happens now is that unless I’m spaced, or totally depressed, (see tomorrow’s entry,) I have a really hard time dealing with, and expressing emotion.

Hell, just read back in this journal. It’s mostly tech shit and events. There’s hardly any feeling. Why? Why not?

Is it just because of therapy that I blame my parents? Or is it because it’s the truth. I’m not in the position to judge. I just watch my fingers, typing. I refer to my mother as the "Ice Queen." Never any feeling, unless the grandkids are around. It’s wrong I know, but there are times I feel jealous of them. They have what I never had growing up. Loving, accepting parents. And the same for grandparents. Mine were distant. Parents, grandparents, all of them.

It’s strange, isn’t it? At 40 I still find the need for parental acceptance. On even insignificant things. Take the DreamKitchen98 for instance. I don’t dare have my parents over. Mom would fire up the flaw-o-matic, point out every last little detail that wasn’t perfect, and I’d feel like shit. Not even shit on toast.

Dad? A man I absolutely hated growing up. I’m not sure if the feeling was mutual. It seemed that way. Now all I feel for him is pity. The poor man can do no right in Mom’s eyes. Nor can anyone, except the grandkids.

Case in point: They wanted to re-do the tea-room. She’s too cheap to hire a contractor to put in a new ceramic tile floor. So Dad has to do it. The man’s never laid a ceramic tile floor in his life. He did a damn fine job, as far as I’m concerned. The first time I’m over there after it’s done, Mom pulls out the flaw-o-matic. "See, this joint isn’t level, and that tile is crooked, and . . ." Well what do you fuckin’ expect. No-one on earth would notice. Except her. Fuck, if you want it perfect, have someone who’s been doing it for a living for 50 years do it. Don’t rag on Dad.

So that being said, it kinda frames my life. Trying to live up to unreasonable expectations, growing up where no-one talks about how they feel. And I’m trying to find Love, Valor and Compassion.

Life sucks.

Back to the point. I apologized to Johnny tonight for the way I behaved last Friday. You’ve read it. Here’s a man I find not only attractive, but engaging. I was hurt because he didn’t return my calls, and I got angry with him when I saw him at the bar.

I think a lot of what’s going on between me an Johnny is that I miss things and over-interpret what I do manage to catch. Never having learned how to be subtle, I came on too strong too fast for him. He asks me to cool it down a little and I take it as rejection. I have no shades of gray. Only black and white.

I’ve not felt good for the past few days. Oh physically I’m fine, but depression has returned. Lethargy, tiredness, but the inability to sleep, withdrawing from everyone. Nothing interests me. Everything’s a chore. I’m not eating right, if at all. The apartment’s a wreck, I haven’t even folded up the bed in over a week.

I hope it passes soon.

Lesse, what didn’t I tell you about last night? It was kinda slow at Muther’s. There was actually elbow room. And they’ve moved the coat check. Even further away from the front door. It’s now by the back door to the patio by the tea-room. You’ve got to go up three very tall steps to get to it. Not a smart idea. Someone’s gonna fall and get hurt.

I ran into Bob, the cute guy I used to work with at Kodak, (the one who didn’t believe the "rumors" that I’m gay.) He had some disturbing news. It seems Mike P., a guy I used to work with, (Bob still does) had a heart attack at work either last week or the week before last. Pretty bad one too from what I understand. Hit him in the middle of a meeting at KO (Kodaspeak for the Kodak Office complex downtown.) One or two years short of eligibility for early retirement.

I completely forgot about it until now. I’ll have to check the hospital tomorrow the see if he can have visitors. I guess they tried to get a hold of me but no-one had my number. It only took me a few minutes, but I remembered our admin’s extension (60309) and left her KMX (Kodaspeak for voice-mail) with my phone number, e-mail address and website URL The first number I dialed (30704) was my old extension. It’s not been reassigned. Funny the stuff you remember. I remembered the number, but not the fact that it was mine.

Anyway, last night Johnny and I had a nice long talk. I really do enjoy his company. I asked, and he accepted, so we’re going on a real date next Saturday. Dinner, movie, the works. I’m looking forward to it. So far we’re just "bar friends." It’ll give us a chance to see if there’s more to us than that.

Michael-the-ex alleges he’s over getting bashed a couple of weeks ago. I hope so, but I really doubt he is. His psyche scars easily. But he was with another guy, so maybe he is over it.

The new server is Hiway Technologies in Florida. It’s $10 a month more, but with the troubles I’ve had with 9NetAve’s tech support, well I guess you get what you pay for. As you may recall, it took ‘em over 10 days to get the domain name resolving. I gave ‘em five days to solve the site stats and logfiles problem. The tech support number is perpetually busy, when I do get through, everyone I’ve talked to there has no clue as to what site stats or logfiles are! Then no-one ever calls me back, no-one ever replies to e-mails. Not ready for prime time.

The biggest thing I use the site stats for is seeing which pages are most popular, (the journal and Bio which I still havent done yet) and which days seem to get the most and least traffic.  Weekends are busiest and Wednesdays and Thursdays are the lightest.   That's part of the reason I don't update on Wednesday and Thursday.  The other part is I just need a break.

I suppose I could keep everything synchronized between the two servers for the transition. It’s just too much like work. And I’m tired.

Recently there’s been quite a brouhaha on some guys’ pages. Something I wrote to one of them over six weeks ago has apparently precipitated this controversy. I apologize for the wasted time, space an bandwidth it’s caused. That’s all I’ll say publicly.

No, maybe I’ll add just this. Reread the Introduction page to the site. Down towards the bottom of the page. The guy who said, "And yes, I think you should put up a web page" now accuses me of being a wannabe. The same guy who inspired me to start doing this, who invited me to this alleged "journal phenomenon" slaps me in the face. Waste of fucking bandwidth.

I leave you with this. Paraphrased from, and with apologies to, Jam & Spoon: